Editor's note: The Elf Life serial webnovelization begins. Expect the familiar mixed with previously omitted details, updates and corrections, and all-new flubs and typos.

Lake Froth's Bane

In which our hero has his portrait painted in a less than agreeable manner.

A gentle breeze blew across the forest, carrying a small winged sprite along with it. The sun glanced off the shimmering white creature as he skimmed the surface of the treetops, before disappearing altogether between the thick boughs.

Below, in the dappled shadows, an elf bedecked in rich frillery stood astride the rich, green earth, sternly contemplating the mysteries of the universe.

"What a big poof," Filis said. "You know, he looks more like a girl than I do."

"Now, Filis," Airek scolded, licking his thumb and turning the page of his book. "Don't make fun of the feeble and the insane. You know Baughb is a very special elf."

The sprite flitted by, and couldn't help but notice Baughb's spectacular cape, enormous feathered hat, and disinterested greyhounds. The elf tossed his enormous shock of blonde hair carelessly to one side, and the huge feathers rippled on the other. An annoyed creature with an oily mustache leaned out from behind an easel and scolded him. "Muh-zyoor," it crabbed, "zee mov-aye-mont, zee mov-aye-mont. Eh?"

"Sorry," Baughb said. "I'm just trying to make sure you've got the right angle. I don't want my chin to look too weak. See, if I remember to keep my head tilted this way--"

"Muh-zyoor, no worries. You hef zee chin of zee blowfish. Zee great Zoot Alors paints onlee zee truth." Baughb pouted.

The sprite cocked his tiny head at the elf. "Is it Halloween already?"

Filis snorted and congratulated the sprite on a "good one". "A good what," the sprite asked innocently. "A good zinger," she explained. "A crack. A goof. A--oh, never mind." She muttered to herself, surrounded by idiots.

"Baughb the magnificent is having his royal portrait painted," Airek said, his balloon nose still stuck in his book. "The great elf hero is no longer happy being a mere commoner. Now he's a prince."

"I am a prince," Baughb said. "It's one of the little-known facts about me."

Airek rolled his eyes. "One of the little-known facts about me," he mocked. "The day there's a little-known fact about YOU..."

Baughb smiled. One of the reasons he liked keeping company with Filis and Airek was that they had absolutely no respect for him. It put him at ease.

"Zee painting eez alMAST done, Muh-zyoor Lindel," the artist promised. "Hold zee pose while Zoot Alors prepares to finASH painting zee great alf hero."

The sprite hovered over the artist's shoulder, studying the creative monstrosity. The elf's face was a fanged horror with blood streaming out of his mouth. In one hand, he was using a book called LIES for a shield, and in the other, he held a sword on which was impaled a column of goblin corpses. His feet were dancing on a grave marked FAERIES.

The sprite squinted. "Who's that," he asked, "getting strangled to death by his nosehairs?"

The great Zoot Alors shooed the pest away with his hand, but the sprite just bobbed around. "It repreZANTS zee ztruggle of zee valiAWNT Frothian pipples," Zoot Alors said, "and mand your own beeswax, nuzzy PerKAR."

"Now, wait a minute," Baughb said, charging around the easel. "What's going on back there? I'm paying good money for this, I have a right to see--URMPH!"

The great Zoot Alors hit Baughb in the face with a huge brush full of paint, and then slapped it back and forth for good measure, laughing hysterically.

"There's a creative use for a medium," Filis deadpanned. "Great toad," Airek said, finally looking up from his book. "I'd fire him if I were you, Baughb," he offered helpfully.

Baughb stumbled around the easel, trying to regain his balance. "Help," he called, waving his arms around. "I've been blinded by evil magic." The sprite dodged and weaved, finding himself nearly within the elf's flailing grasp.

Instead of something solid to steady himself, Baughb knocked over the easel and grabbed ahold of the big wet canvas, which just slipped right off its perch and into his clumsy dance.

The great Zoot Alors pulled a bottle out of his trunk. "This," he said, without a trace of his former accent, "is a blow for the Frothians and the Alfheim Liberation Alliance. Death to the tyrant and his cohorts." He lit the bottle with a match and threw it into the clearing.

"What the furk--" Filis began. Airek's eyes popped, and he jumped onto her, shoving her down behind the log. The bottle exploded on the ground in front of them. Baughb had already dropped the painting, but was tottering on one foot when the blast hit. He lost his balance for good and fell to the ground, and instantly found his head stuck in a bucket of paint.

As the smoke cleared, Airek and Filis peered back over the log and saw the artist removing his paint-spattered smock and peeling the false mustache off his upper lip. He retreated back to the edge of the trees, preparing to lose himself in the thick foliage behind him. "This has just begun," he crowed. "Lake Froth will not rest as long as Baughb the elf lives. We will have our revenge!"

"Revenge," Filis sputtered, her blonde hair falling in her face. "What's he talking about?"

"Lake Froth," Airek said. "I didn't know there were any elves still living in that cesspool."

"It is not a cesspool," the agitator barked. "We reject the biased slurs of your illegitimate regime. It is a new day dawning for the Frothian people."

Baughb leapt up, trying to pull off the bucket still stuck on his head. "Ethfool elvef," he shouted, his mouth twisted inside the narrow container. "The ethfool elvef are fack?" With that, he leapt into the forest and ran into a tree. Undaunted, he stumbled back forward and ran into another tree. "Thfrite," he yelled. The sprite, who had also ducked for cover, swooped to the elf's aid.

"Don't worry, boss," he said, pounding on the bucket with his small fists, "I'll crack this open like a walnut."

"Ow! No, navifate, navifate!"